With the 2016 Presidential Election exactly one year away I figured that we ought to get to know the candidates on a more personal level, and that starts at the bar.
Hillary Clinton- Colt 45 Malt Liquor
“I’m cultured. I swear.”
Item: Bill Clinton. Because if there’s anyone that can schmooze like a pro, it’s Slick Willy.
P.S. He’s also going to try and bang the waitress.
P.P.S. He’s gunna succeed.
Bernie Sanders- Long island Iced Tea. Super hip and fun and cool! Until you’ve had one, and realize you have made a terrible decision.
Item: A fucking comb for the tornado of white hair that sits on the top of his head.
Martin O’Malley- Martin didn’t get a chance to order because no one recognized him and the bouncer was mean to him.
Item: A cellphone to call his dad to pick him up when no one would vouch for him as a viable candidate.
Ben Carson- A salad. Because he wasn’t paying attention and doesn’t know how bars work.
Item: A ‘For Dummies’ book about how to be president. Learning on the fly is how this works right.
Marco Rubio- Mojito. Miami. Don’t even fight it. It just makes sense.
Item: My father, the bartender. You know, the same one that he brings up every fucking debate because he’s just a regular guy like me and you!
Rand Paul- Mint Julep. Kentuckians gon Kentucky.
Item: A white flag. To surrender to Trump for the beatdown he put on him in the first debate. And to surrender to everyone else. Rand Paul is on the A team, but is just the waterboy.
Mike Huckabee- Moonshine. Because if you think this would ever actually work out, you’re gravely mistaken.
Item: Raw tobacco leaves in a burlap sack tied with his shoelace. He also brought his own rocking chair because he didn’t know if they’d have any at the bar.
Carly Fiorina- Tequila Sunrise. Because she’s just here to get white girl wasted and have a good time. And to forget about that whole HP dumpster fire of a company.
Item: A Condom, because she’s fucked already in this whole thing. And Bill Clinton keeps winking at her.
Ted Cruz- Bloody Mary. He’s hungover from the joyride he’s been on with the surge in the polls, but knows its not going to last forever so he also ordered 17 shots of Jaeger.
Item: A calculator. “I’m not going to pay for any appetizers if I got way less than everyone.”
Chris Christie- A Root Beer Float with a chocolate straw. Its okay though because taxpayers will front the money for the triple bypass coming at him like a freight train.
Item: Insulin. Fat jokes are tight. Like his belt.
Donald Trump- Whatever the strongest drink ordered was but with no ice and in a larger glass. Ain’t nobody gonna make Big Ol Donald look like a small and weak man! He soon after realizes that he is far too in over his head. Asks Carly Fiorina to hold his hair while he throws up in the bathroom.
Item: His dad’s credit card.
Item: His dad’s credit card.
Jeb Bush- Seltzer. But its flat. And unflavored. And room temperature. You know exactly what you’re getting.
Item: Bush rolodex. Its the only thing he has going for him and he needs it there.