Tonight my hallmates in Welch 3 and I continued a tradition like no other: the annual screening of Halloweentown. Campus is buzzing with the rapid approach of the upcoming Halloweekend and we thought of no better way to celebrate than by watching this classic.
Synopsis: A teenage girl learns she’s a witch and seamlessly makes the transition into the wizard world before helping her mother and grandmother use their powers to defeat a warlock named Kalabar.
This kid, Dylan: The definition of a melvin. Squid. Refused to accept that he was in Halloweentown and instead decided it was all a hallucination. His grandmother asked the kids to think of a magical place and the first thing this nerd thinks of is Cleveland. Why Cleveland you ask? Because he heard “they have a nice school district.” Loser spelled backwards is Dylan Cromwell.
The brooms. These brooms suck. Plain and simple. I could buy a better sweeping apparatus at Ace Hardware for $14.99. The Nimbus 2000 blows it out of the water, takes its lunch money and stuffs it inside a locker. Pathetic broomgame, Halloweentown. Be better.
Kalabar. An all-time great villain. His name sounds like a protein supplement at GNC. Psycho move just hiding the people he cursed in the town movie theater. They don’t make em like Kalabar anymore. Watching it at this stage in my life I realized for the first time the extent of the sexual tension between him and the kids’ mother. 110% chance they got it on back in the day. Also – great job by the people of Halloweentown electing a mass murderer to run their city into the ground. Nobody questions their neighbors disappearing either. Just another day in the life at Halloweentown.
The greatest Uber driver in history. Most of the time I resent Uber drivers trying to make small talk but I’ll make an exception for Benny. Most people suck at driving with both eyes; this guy hasn’t had eyes in years but you don’t hear him complaining.
420 AM rating: 10/10