Shoutout to #Jah for this one, he is my rock, my guardian angel, and the reason my eyes are almost completely shut right now.
Matchup: Boston College vs. Clemson University
Game Date: October 17, ’15. That is this Saturday, after the Regatta. 7:00 Post Meridiem (P.M.)
Location: Memorial Stadium, Clemson, USA P.O. Box 69696. Also pretty sure they call this shit death-valley? Did I ask? No.
How to Watch: Get your remote, aim it at the TV, and press power. Press power again when the game is over (#BCCONSERVES). According to Google, when I typed in the word “Clemson”, it said the game was on ESPU, and not ESPNU. I would imagine they are the same difference so get onto your shitty ass BC cable and type in the number… anddddd we don’t have the fucking channel! So go to a bar or something unless you’re a weeny. Has anyone ever considered what “ESPN” actually stands for? To be honest I feel like me finding out would be like when one of my good ole’ Jewish buddies told me that Santa wasn’t real in fifth grade, so if you find out, keep it to yourself buddy.
Weather: THIS JUST IN. HIGH OF 69 DEGREEEEEES BROOOOO #FRAT? Sunny, no chance of wetness. The balls will be flyin’ perfect and the boys will be nice and sweaty. Not those weirdos on the Segway things tho, they will never sweat, ever. BE A DUDE.
Home Course Advantage (You Know the Rules): So here is what I have gathered from my sources. Memorial Stadium gets loud as fuck. I mean think about it. When 80,000 people with an average IQ below 80 get together and start screaming together, they don’t know any better than to keep on screaming until they can’t scream no more. Did you see the video of that Idiot Clemson fan trying to do a front flip last week when it was raining? Yeah that kid is an idiot and slammed his nose into the pavement and probably looks ugly now. DON’T DO THAT. Also can you imagine being related to 79,999 people in the same stadium as you? That would fire me up and make me scream more: 9/10.
Injuries: So as I was watching the BC story the other day and saw Jon Hilliman riding around in that stupid golf cart near Walsh, so I imagine his foot is still hurting. Also saw Darius Wade on that same damn cart again, but this time he did not wave at me, and instead just squirted Rubinoff at me from his Gatorade^Trademark bottle. Drinking during game week=not playing, so yeah he’s out again. On the Clemson side of the ball, there is some receiver named Mike Williams who is out because “he dove into the goal post during the first game and injured his neck”. What dude? Are you serious? My dog wouldn’t even do that, regardless of whether or not he was chasing a ball. Also their kicker named Ammon Lakip is out with a lower body injury. Frankly, I would put him out there in a wheelchair for BC before any kicker.
Coaching Factor: Give it to Dabo Swinney in this one, that guy is a DILF (tune in Ladies).
Game Week Quotable from anonymous player: “Pretty scared of Clemson, those guys are all full-grown dads, we’re just dudes.”
BC: So some insiders told me that Jeff Smith has been named the official starting quarterback for the rest of the year. But hey Troy, listen man, if you wanna get some reps later this year, you get your ass into Alumni and start trying to throw that damn ball from endzone to endzone, make Uncle Rico proud. PERFECT THE HAIL MARY. ULTIMATE DUDE. Also hold onto the ball, please. To Jeff Smith: We know you’re fast and slippery, but when there is like 3 seconds in the game, you need to throw the ball to one of your receivers and not the ground. The ground is bad in football; Thadd Smith (playmaker/athlete #18) is good in football. But in all reality, BC needs to run the ball with the occasional play action pass mixed in, in order to have any chance of scoring a point. On top of that the defense needs to play like a pack of hungry Honey Badgers, all vicious and foaming at the mouth and all that good shit.
Clemson: Realistically if they score like 21 points and manage the football like the responsible student athletes they are then they are automatically victorious because BC can’t even spell touchdown. So to QB Deshaun Watson I give you three words of advice: 1.) Change your name. 2.) Take care of the rock. 3.) Listen to Mike Knoll’s halftime mixtape.
Betting Lines: BC is the underdog once again, this time by a total of 15.5 points. Because their defense is absolutely filthy, I would suspect them to keep the game closer than 15.5 points. DUDE UP. Call up your bookie in Vegas and tell him you are betting against the spread, he will manage your money accordingly. The Over/Under is 37.5 points. HAMMER THE UNDER AGAIN. The DUDES defense is just as filthy as it was two sentences ago so expect a minimal amount of points to be scored.
Prediction: Ok so all things considered. I say BC loses 14-10 (BOOOO FUCK YOU, I know). BC realistically just is not good enough to win this game. They can’t move the ball on offense and when they do they usually end up screwing themselves with foolish plays and kicking the ball everywhere but straight. But their defense is still sick, so the game will be close. Also watch out for BC making a field goal! I hear some kid walked on as a kicker the other day and he could see some time, so I feel like if he has a set of working legs and he isn’t housed during the game, then he can make a 3 pointer.
Gameday Stew: Bud Heavy. It’s like getting hammered and having dinner at the same time. Those things are literally liquid cheeseburgers.
Gameday Mixie: Sprite Zero and Malibu Coconut. Just as easy to drink as boxed wine, easily concealable as soda water (no one will know you’re a high school girl at the Friday night lights game), and it will send you into a spiraling vortex known as blackout zone.
Gameday Pump-Up Song: https://soundcloud.com/housemusic/vigiland-shots-and-squats-ft
Shots and Squats by Vigiland. Don’t skip leg day.
Video of the week:
What is bothering me on Campus: Ok so on Wednesday night, they had some stupid-ass thanksgiving type dinner. It sucked so bad that I decided to go to the allergy friendly section (so sensitive!) and get two pieces of grilled chicken. I asked the guy to put Cajun spice on my chicken (total game changer). He said, “Nah Sorry fam we don’t got none.” (double negative). Then I said, “I mean I literally can see the bottle of it under the grill, put it on the chicken, please.” Then the head chef said, “Sorry buddy, no Cajun for you today.” To change up the food like that was truly a low blow, its like if the U.S. government was like “fuck it, you can drive on the left side of the road now,” when you’ve been hopefully driving on the right side all of your life. Don’t fuck with the system. Also, when I pay 62,000 bucks to go to a college, it better come with some motherfucking Cajun spice.