The Best Thirty Seconds of Your Life

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So you’ve made it. You’ve somehow managed to convince someone that you, yes pretty average you, are worthy of getting sweaty with them. Blood is rushing to your loins faster than a freshman is trying to shotgun a beer (Both an awkward and uncomfortable sight). However, you needa playlist that’s going to up your abilities from a Nickelback freestyle to a Marvin Gaye acoustic.

Welcome to The Best Thirty Seconds of Your Life.

So yes. This is your new sex playlist. Sex. Sex. Sex. Now that we’ve become desensitized to the word. We may begin.

Some Prerequisites:

  1. Get Soundcloud- I shouldn’t even have to say this. This is elementary shit. You should be on Soundcloud because my freestyles are fire and I’m releasing a diss track to Hershey Loves It’s new mixtape. It’s happening. And it’s where you find the best remixes. Sorry Spotify. iTunes is the Internet Explorer of music.
  2. Get a Speaker- That is unless you want to look like a grade-A boob trying to play a sex playlist on your iPhone. #BonerKiller
  3. Have Fun!- If something awkward happens, my god you better acknowledge it because you both know what happened/what sound was made. That’s why they call it ‘Bumping Uglies’. It’s gonna get ugly.
  4. (Optional) Have a Cool Light System- Dark is boring, and a regular light makes you seem like you’re a little too into this whole thing. If you gotta go with light on, then you can bet your ass this is probably the last time you’re going to fumble around with a Durex/Trojan/Saran Wrap that you tied with a hair tie for a while. Sidenote: Wear a fucking condom. Don’t even get me started.

Go time.

  1. Joseph Somo- Bad (Wale Cover): A solid track to kick off this ordeal. Get to know Somo. Dude has a great voice and has some serious covers and remixes. You’ll see him a few times on this playlist.
  2. Jeremih (Feat J. Cole)- Planes: Jeremih does a great job laying down a steady beat during the whole song, but we’re here for J Cole. He finishes the song, and absolutely murders it. That soft J Cole voice makes for some connection, man. Also, I once saw my roommate, Owen Burns, wake up mid nap on a floor and rap this perfectly, then immediately fall back asleep. It was weird because at the same time I needed to go change my pants. (He’s 6’3″ and handsome as hell.)
  3. Often (Kygo Remix)- At this point you’re either explaining that this never happens to you, or things are getting real because you know foreplay is a requirement and not just a suggestion. Kygo, need I say more?
  4. Joseph Somo/The Weeknd- Or Nah: Both work fine here. Somo is a little softer on the delivery, so I’d give the go ahead with that pretty readily. I mean it’s a sex song. That’s all it is, so take it at face value.
  5. Mariah Carey- Mainly for a quick laugh, because yah know, YOU’RE TOUCHING BODIES. But still a great song. There’s a remix with R Kelly. Don’t. It’s lame. R Kelly thinks he’s the star, when it’s been Mariah all along. Guys, take notes. Mariah straight up tells you what you should be doing.
  6. DJ Khaled- No New Friends (SFTB Remix) Feat Drake, Rick Ross, and Lil Wayne: No New Friends? Already a banger. But this is next level stuff. May be a little fast, but no need to be a hero everyone. The tempo is important, but hey, cut that shit in half if you need to. If you can keep up, more power to you I guess?
  7. Joseph Somo- Ride: Open up a window, because steam. Somo hits a dinger here, and everybody knows it. Slow, then fast, then slow. It’s everything it needs to be, mainly because his voice is ridiculous, and he gives all you dead fish out there a hint or seven on how to not be a dead fish.
  8. Joseph Somo – The Hills (The Weeknd Rendition): Again, Somo takes on a Weeknd song and takes a new approach to the “Booty Call”.
  9. Louis the Child- It’s Strange (Ft. K.Flay): Dope track. Similar to White Tiger (Hippie Sabotage Remix) by Izzy Bizu. You can probably flip these if need be.
  10. Joseph Somo (Again, I know. Hear me out)- Buy U a Drank (T-Pain Cover): Chances are you’ve been done for a while. And that’s okay, because my guess is that you’re not a prominent figure in the adult film industry. Anyway, this song may need to be flipped to the front because it’s that good.

Honorable Mentions:

Nelly-Hot in Herre: Too much fun in this track. More of a song to dance to than anything I suppose.

Ginuwine- Pony: If you find someone who thinks this is funny and/or a real sex song, you have found a keeper.

Hyper Crush- Maniac: “It’s so good its hard to breath, I’m ready to go, pull my hair until I scream.”

Hoodie Allen- No Interruption: Man do I miss Hoodie.

Thanks for listening! And hey….

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