Commander-in-chief. The executive branch. Mr. President. POTUS. Regardless of the title, they all come down to the same thing: the most powerful person in the free world. Yet for such an important position, the Oval Office has certainly had its fair share of characters, both qualified and not, behind the desk over the years.
Center: Coming in at 6’2, a giant among his peers, it’s #1, the OG president, George Washington. Washington was a born leader, the mastermind behind the offense and head coach at the same damn time. The dude owned a whiskey distillery, farmed marijuana, and bred bloodhounds in his free time.
He also made BANK. Belfortesque. During his eight years at the helm, his salary was worth 2% of the entire national budget. In today’s terms, that’s $78B per year, or six billion bottles of Rubinoff. The GM is gonna have to open his wallet to sign a star like George. The more you know.
Washington was a warrior through and through. He led a group of drunken farmers passing themselves off as ‘minutemen’ against the strongest military force the world had seen since Genghis Khan’s Mongols and actually won. As a British soldier his jacket was shot four times and he had two horses shot out from under him but still survived the Battle of Fort Necessity unscathed. Casually invading a Trenton camp of blacked out German Hessians on Christmas, surviving a freezing winter in Valley Forge, being the only president to actually fight in a battle himself while still in office. The list goes on and on. Congress passed a law in 1974 making him the highest-ranking military officer of all time: General of the Armies of the United States. GOAT.
Power forward: #16, Abraham Lincoln. Listed at 6’4, Lincoln and Washington would have controlled the paint like Ewing and Oakley in their prime. Did anyone exemplify the American rags-to-riches dream better than Honest Abe? The guy literally grew up in a log cabin in Bumblefuck, Kentucky and eventually rose up to become the most powerful man in the 19th century western hemisphere, all without a college education. The Lebron of his generation in that regard.
Before James Harden trademarked his signature look, Abe made his beard famous all across the United States without any commercials or sponsored social media posts. He had the entire Confederacy hashtagging #fearthebeard.
For those of you who feel like fuck-ups after failing a quiz or forgetting to turn in your paper on Canvas, remember the life of Abraham Lincoln. The post office he managed had the worst delivery rate in the entire country. Think about how many towns there are in the United States. Then consider that his was dead last. You had one job, Abe. Delivery the goddamn mail.
Small forward: Andrew Jackson, #7. Old Hickory. Every team needs that enforcer, the scrappy player that grinds the gears of the opposition and ruffles the feathers of the referees. Nobody exemplified the mindset of playing until the whistle blows better than Jackson, who legendarily led American troops in the Battle of New Orleans against the British…three weeks after the War of 1812 had ended. He did it all with an 8:1 K/D ratio, too.
Jackson was no stranger to the flagrant foul either. Historians estimate that he participated in up to 100 duels in his lifetime: he was undefeated. Legend has it that in one account his opponent “fired and hit Jackson in the chest. The bullet missed Jackson’s heart by barely more than an inch. In spite of the serious wound, Jackson stood his ground, raised his pistol and fired a shot that struck his foe dead.” The bullet remained in his chest for the remainder of his life, causing him to suffer from lead poisoning and dysentery so he knows how to play through pain.
Shooting guard: JFK, #35. Talk about the face of a franchise. Swagger on a hundred thousand trillion. No tattoos on his arms because they’re strictly for buckets. Nobody had an aura quite like John F. Kennedy. A Massachusetts guy through and through, he would soak up the bright lights of TDGarden and stroke from three night in and night out. Would anyone be better in the face of pressure than the man who stared Khruschev and the entire USSR down and won? If he can prevent a nuclear apocalypse and then proceed to light up a stogie (doesn’t get much more #TFM than ordering 1200 Cubans and then placing an embargo on the entire country just because you can), I’m sure he can make a free throw with the game on the line. Ice water flowing through his veins.
Point guard: Teddy Roosevelt, #26. It’s easy for the superstar/president to sit back, give orders, and watch others do the dirty work for him/her. That’s not how TR ran things; he practiced what he preached. This true floor general heard that America was at war with Spain, sent out a mass text recruiting mercenaries for his new squad of soldiers, and led a group of degenerates known as the Rough Riders down to Cuba to win the war within the year.
- TR: Anyone wanna go fuck shit up and bang Cuban girls in the process?
- Rough Rider #1: Is the Pope Catholic?
- Rough Rider #2: Does a bear shit in the woods?
- TR: See you guys at 9. BYOB.
You’re not going to hear any controversy from Teddy, either. Speak softly and carry a big stick, indeed.
Sixth man: Ulysses S. Grant, #18. 6Man like Louuuu Will. He rallied the troops at Shiloh, again at Vicksburg, and closed the war against Bobby Lee at Appomattox. He’s the man that sparks the fourth quarter comeback with an And-1 off the bench. Only problem is you never know what you’re gonna get with the general. As a rampant alcoholic he’ll never show up for practice and rarely come to games but when he does, he’s like a solar eclipse: He doesn’t come around often, but when he does, everybody stops what they’re doing to witness the phenomenon developing before their eyes.
Head coach: Alexander Hamilton. He was never eligible to be elected president because he was born outside the country but there were few people more deserving of the Oval Office than the guy who literally founded the modern capitalist system of the United States. The mastermind behind the national debt and author of the Federalist Papers, he’s an expert in the field of budget management and knows how to recruit free agents to join the team. Hamilton/Burr was Bird/Magic before basketball ever came into existence.
Honorable mention: Barack Obama. Use your imagination why.