It’s mind-boggling to think that some of the world’s celebrities and gamechangers have passed through the same doors that we do on a daily basis. They put their pants on one leg of a time, shoveled the snow out of their doorways and ate hazardous amounts of late night just like BC kids do today.
With the search for off-campus houses for the 2016-2017 school year coming to an end, we at ChestnutTrill thought to ourselves, “Who would we want in our fantasy house?” The results are as follows.
#1: With the unanimous first overall pick, we selected Doug Flutie (’85). Was there ever any doubt? #22 slinging you Natty Lights and handles of Fireball all across your basement fitted with neon lights and industrial-grade speakers: what could be better? Girls would come from miles out to see the Heisman Trophy in the living room before realizing that Flutie himself was only 5’9 and moving on.
#2: Amy Poehler (’93). No house would be complete without Leslie Knope/the cool mom from Mean Girls. For starters those drinks look delicious despite being extremely feminine. On top of that she and her colleagues from Your Mother’s Fleabag would have you laughing from dawn to dusk. Not to mention that as a member of the house you’d have season tickets to SNL in its prime. Amy Poehler, so hot right now, Amy Poehler.
#3: Luke Kuechly (’12). Who would be better as a bouncer maintaining the security of your rager than an All-Pro middle linebacker? His list of achievements is longer than my resume. The only people allowed in would be certified 11/10s. Trespassers would be thrown to Fenway if they tried to enter without permission.
#4: Marty Walsh (’89). Every group needs a supervisor to implement rules and ensure that things run smoothly throughout the year. The Otter of the household, if you will. The legend goes that Marty himself was good friends with Mr. Jack Daniels during his collegiate years so you know he’s all about throwing down once night descends across campus. And as the mayor of Boston he oversaw the Patriots Super Bowl parade so he clearly is familiar with how to host a party.
#5: Chris Herren (Didn’t graduate). A Massachusetts guy through and through, your house needs that wild card to spice things up and Herren fills that role perfectly. Highly recruited out of Fall River, Herren was named Gatorade Player of the Year as a high school senior and turned down offers from Duke and Kentucky to play here. Talk about school spirit. Before he even stepped on the court he tested positive for coke and weed so party powder would be in abundance. Scarface-level.
#6: Fr. Leahy. Political power, as Machiavelli wrote in his The Prince, is the good toward which all men strive, and at Boston College it does not get much more influential than William P. Leahy himself. Just imagine odds from 1-5 over whether there will be a snow day or not. Or playing poker with the funds for the mythical new Plex on the line. Or getting him Domino’s in exchange for the reopening of Shea Field. Possibilities upon possibilities.
#7: John Mara (’76). As the third generation of Maras to own the New York Football Giants, you know that John would have the hook up when it came to season tickets and the elusive DirectTV Sunday Ticket. You could always pawn one of his four rings if funds ever ran low. As an attorney all matters regarding the legal papers associated with the lease would be his responsibility in addition to any police inquiries concerning noise complaints. Killing dozens of metaphorical birds with one metaphorical stone.
Honorable mentions: Maria as cook, Baldwin as house cheerleader, Johnny Gaudreau. Matt Ryan, and John Kerry as a law student.