500 Word Review: Forrest Gump (1994)

Despite being hindered by congenital scoliosis and a below average brain, a young man from Alabama leads the most exceptional life this side of Bruce Wayne.

The highlights:

  • Jenny: The term friend zone is nowhere close to applicable. More like friend trench. Never has anyone been ‘curved’ (like the kids say) as hard as Forrest was in this scene.
    • Forrest: “I love you”
    • Thot: “You don’t know what love is.”

Might be the coldest response in the history of mankind. Absolute savagery from Jenny. Daddy issues? I think so. The poor guy is slightly stoopid, he gives you a fucking Medal of Honor, loves you to the moon and back, and you treat him like that? Be better.

Haven’t forgotten about her appearance later in the movie either. After years of hardcore drug use and questionable needles, Jenny decides to finally sleep with Forrest #FTB. Even with all that mileage on her, Jenny still has her fastball. 20 years later and she’s playing a smoking hot First Lady on House of Cards. Impressive. All was well until you fast forward thirty minutes and BAM, she drops a nuclear bomb on Forrest’s head. 1) You’re a father (of the kid who sees dead people). 2) I’m dying (of AIDS. Whoops). Summarized by this.

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Girls, don’t be like Jenny. Please

  • Forrest Gump and Lieutenant Dan outliving a goddamn hurricane on the high seas: A cripple and the slow kid from Greenbo, AL take on the wrath of God and win by a landslide. The forces of nature literally wipe out every shrimp boat in Bayou la Batre, “The Seafood Capital of Alabama,” except for the one captained by a man who could not tell his right from his left. The resulting lack of competition helps Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. become the dominant shrimp distributor in America, landing Forrest on the cover of Fortune magazine. To top it off, Lt. Dan used the profits from the company to invest in a little known startup named Apple. Whatever.

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  • The entire story takes place on a freakin’ bench waiting for a bus: 1) Forrest, why are you waiting for the bus in the first place? You own a national seafood organization. You have a large stake in Apple. You’re a world-class ping pong player and a decorated war veteran. Can’t afford your own car? Doubtful.

2) The dude waited for hours for his precious bus to come when Jenny’s apartment was four blocks away the entire time. I get there was no Maps app and we were still a decade away from the first iPhone but c’mon, use a map, ask for directions, etc. Do something. Do anything. Just don’t spend your day telling various strangers your life story while the long-lost love (alliteration on point) of your life is within walking distance. The woman must have been waiting hours for you to show up. How many Bert & Ernie skits could Forrest Jr. possibly watch waiting for his dad to finally arrive? I guess you can’t expect much when you’re dealing with someone who failed his state IQ test as a child.

Honorable mentions: Forrest winning a Medal of Honor, becoming the first American to step foot in China since the Boxer Rebellion, not picking up that he was the father of Forrest Jr., starting a nationwide jogging trend, making the All-American college football team as a kick returner, and discovering Watergate.

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Watch the 1994 Best Picture winner with Tom Hanks as Forrest here

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