Summary: Pharaoh’s adopted brother Moses discovers that he’s been appointed by God to lead an entire group of his chosen people from Egypt back to the Promised Land, unleashing ten plagues and parting an entire body of water in two along the way.
- Moses legitimately turning the sun off. For three days. Exodus 10:22: “And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days.”
- Moses: Bro please let us go. I’m not kidding this time. I’m going to turn the sun off. It won’t be fun for anybody
- Pharaoh: No way. You don’t have the balls to do it
- Moses: Bet
Egyptians everywhere are tripping out of their minds. The night that never ends. Still, Pharaoh does not budge.
- Moses striking a staff and dividing a body of water consisting of more than 169(lol),000 square miles: Being chased by the world’s strongest charioteers, Moses and those he liberated reach a dead end in the Red Sea. Or so they thought. Because soon enough Moses rolls his eyes back into his head like Bran from Thrones and sees God, who tells him to part the sea in two with his staff. The man obliges and BOOM, sea’s in two. Nobody can believe it. Moses “Post” Malone and the boys skirt through the passage and escape to the Promised Land while Pharaoh’s army is decimated. Game. Set. Match. Moses
- Moses dying before he can enter the Promised Land: Can’t really reason with Notorious G.O.D. here. Moses was the QB who led the two-minute drill eighty yards down the field to the goal line with a ring on the line. He brought an entire race of people out of slavery, through the desert that is the Sinai Peninsula, received ten commandments (the foundation of ancient Judeo-Christian law) along the way, and was positioned inches from the metaphorical end zone. The middle was wide open and all he had to do was call hike and sneak it in. Analogies for days and weeks and months and years.
Or so it was until God stepped in, called timeout, and reminded him about that one time he cursed Him out for the lack of water while traveling through the Sinai. Instead of the sneak, He called for a slant that was promptly intercepted by a nondescript cornerback (we go to school in Boston). Game, lost. Moses, RIP. Grow up, Yahweh. The poor guy carried the fate of an entire religion with him while his people complained about dehydration. Dude couldn’t take it anymore. One day he snapped because you weren’t answering his texts/prayers. That was so long ago. Like 40 years ago. Let it go.
PS – Moses, what happened 3/4 of the way through your trip? Did your GPS break? What was really happening with that burning bush? You made an actual oval. Be better
Next up: 500 words on the sale of Manhattan by Native Americans for $24.